Happiness is found in three things

A couple of weeks ago I was part of a conversation where one of us was opening up about feeling vulnerable and scared to make a life-changing decision: whether to move to a new city to be closer to family and having to let go of a job they really loved, or whether to stay where they live. This person is in a strong relationship, has worked hard to maintain a good profession they love and continues to thrive and be engaged, but more and more they feel where they are, is not home.

Across the table, came a voice with a great piece of advice - if you can call it that. The advice was actually not prescriptive, it was simply a seemingly simple concept for the other to consider, a reminder of how from further away what seems complex to us, may be simpler than we think

They said:

There are three important things in life that impact your happiness: Who you are with, where you are and what you do.

At that moment this person didn’t take the position to impose or council on which of the three things mattered most, but they did mention that if you make one of these a priority over the others, you might end up feeling just as full - or empty, as you were before.

This concept has been dancing in my mind since then, reminding me of the lessons I’ve learned, reminiscing on the times where I’ve traveled on the pursuit of what I called “My great perhaps”* leaving behind those things and people that mattered. Sometimes by making a choice, others out of need. Thinking about this, an old story came back to my mind: The one of the professor teaching a class about life using a jar and golf balls as a metaphor.

By now most of us have probably heard of this story, but I’ll briefly refresh what happens: The professor shows up to class with an empty jar that he first fills with golf balls. The story goes on to show that once all these golf balls are in, the jar seems full, just as life may seem full after you’ve filled it with appointments, commitments, hours. The professor carries on and adds a glass full of pebbles to the jar. At which point the pebbles find space in between the golf balls; the jar feels fuller now, just as life can feel more full depending on what you do in your free time. The story continues as the professor adds other elements to the jar, smaller in size, more fluid in mass, which ultimately always find empty crevasses in the jar. Until of course there is no more room, just as we may feel about our lives.

The metaphor comes from Stephen Covey’s 1994 book: First things first. Originally it was meant as a productivity tactic, explaining how the most important things in your life: your family, friends, loved ones should come first as opposed to filling your life with the small stuff - represented with sand - that if you were to put on first would reduce the space from the start.

The story that was born as a way to help people prioritise effectively, overtime has evolved in meaning. People starting interpreting it in a different way; or at least I did. Reflecting on what those golf balls are in my own jar called life.

Now, years after vulnerable moments of decision-making of my own, I’m able to see the dilemma from a spectators’ perspective and I realise that although poetic, the jar metaphor teaches us only part of what helps you achieve a fulfilling life. It teaches us that the important things should come before the trivial ones. For this reason, we should all take the time to think of those bigger-commitment-greater-reward elements that make us whole.

The people that love us and that we love back, the projects that help us grow despite the hardship they bring upon us, the journeys that change us in ways we never expected, the friendships that show up in the good times hoping we’ll be there in their bad times, the mothers that care for us a little too much, the children that challenge our thinking a little too much, the workdays we find focus and work a little too much. All these things can be the larger components of our lives, they take up space, a little too much space. They can feel cumbersome, but when chosen with intention not only they fit the jar and make us feel full but we realise that when lifted up in the air, they are light as a golf ball, because we chose them, because we love them.

The second piece of learning I gather from this story is one I am sad to not have noticed before. It’s been right there in front of us all along. It is triggered by the question that is asked repeatedly in the story:

Is the jar full?

and if it is, can I find joy in the fact that I am whole?

I wish I had taken time to think of this question earlier because I have too many times focused on attaining something that was far from me and seemed it would bring some salvation to some of the sorrows of my day to day. And in reality the pursuit of this far-fetched goal brought excitement but once the novelty washed away, I was left with the same emotional balance. Because, you can have anything, but you can’t have it all.

Surprisingly on those occasions I did not choose, and I lost a piece of my life that seemed to make me full: a relationship, a job, even a loved one. My mind, my heart, my soul came to my rescue and made each other thing in my life expand to make me feel whole in a bright new way. Because, I have noticed, the big pieces of our life seem sturdy and bulky, in such way that at times we feel like we can’t handle them. But they are always in constant expansion and retraction, seeking to find balance between among themselves, the life choices you made. Your relationships, your jobs, your house, your hobbies, they are all fluid. And what at times isn’t as fluid as we wish, is the jar.

We become obsessed with filling and feeling more. We hope to contain more, but do our best to keep that container intact, and the pressure of seeking more at times can lead us to break.

“When someone seeks," said Siddhartha, "then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”

Herman Hesse - Siddharta

So let me close with this thought, it is brave to chase the expansion. I encourage it and admire it. It is just as brave to be filled with all sorts of good and bad and embrace the flux of what is already part of our lives, setting ourselves free from the constant pursuit of more.